“For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.” (Psalm 18:28)
Psalm 18 is a song written by David praising the Lord for rescuing him from his enemies & from the hand of King Saul. It is often called the Grateful Retrospect. After hurricane Florence has left North Carolina & South Carolina, I find myself in an attitude similar to that of David: a grateful retrospect. Although some lives were lost, many homes & properties were destroyed, we were spared from what could have been a devastating blow to this area. I am grateful for His mercy, protection, and help during such a difficult time in our area.
It actually seems like a lot of my life is spent in this kind of pattern. I face a storm, things are dark for a while, and then when I realize how much God has done through the storm, I am able to be grateful. This month is no different. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. They say that 1 in 4 women have experienced pregnancy & infant loss. I am the 1 in 4.
Warning: My story below is about pregnancy loss!
Loss 1: I experienced a chemical pregnancy (or early miscarriage) in May 2017. I felt awful. We were on a trip for my brother’s wedding, and I had taken my husband to the top of a mountain to tell him he was going to be a dad with the positive pregnancy test. A few days later, I started to bleed. I was confused, I had never even heard of a chemical pregnancy, and I was convinced that I shouldn’t count it. Still, I managed to move on. We started to actually try to conceive and had no real luck. I visited the doctor after learning how to track my cycles & realizing that I was not ovulating correctly. She suggested that we try Clomid, the great multiplier (we were warned of threats of multiples). I cannot tell you the torture of trying to conceive to no avail. One day I will go into the nitty gritty of everything – sneaking into the bathroom at work to pee in a cup so you can do an ovulation test, taking your temperature every morning, calling your husband to tell him it was time to do the baby dance, the hot flashes from Clomid, the pressure, the buildup, the let downs. October of 2017, we thought we had put all that behind us.
Loss 2: On October 15th I had started spotting & it was after a 2nd round of Clomid & not during a time I should be bleeding. I took a pregnancy test & it was positive. I was excited. I was scared. I was worried because of the bleeding & I had just taken Clomid & what would that do to a baby. We got an appointment with the doctor & immediately were taken into an ultrasound. Turns out I had actually gotten pregnant with the first round of Clomid in September, and I should have been about 4-5 weeks pregnant. The only problem was, there was nothing in the ultrasound. Then there was the game of taking blood every 48 hours, the hormones actually originally gave an indication that the baby could potentially be viable & then kind of plateud. I heard a term that I had never heard before – ectopic pregnancy. Apparently, we had succeeded in fertilizing an egg, the egg just had not implanted in the correct place & was in my abdomen. The pregnancy was not viable. November 13th, I had injections to terminate the pregnancy. I do not have enough space to write about the pain and horror of that experience. To top it all off, I had huge cysts on my ovaries from all the Clomid that had to be monitored to make sure surgery was not required. In April 2018 we were allowed to try again. We did not opt to use Clomid as we are believing that God will complete our family in His due time.
Loss 3: On June 6th, I saw the two lines again on the home pregnancy tests. I was ecstatic. I just knew that this June baby was the answer to our prayers. I miscarried on June 21st.
Enlighten My Darkness: The Lord has not yet blessed us with the gift of a baby yet, but I trust and believe that He will in due time. I know, that just like He did with David, He will light my candle – He will enlighten my darkness. I haven’t quite figured out the reasons my husband & I have lost so much in our time together, but I do know this – There are a lot of women out there who have miscarried or lost a pregnancy or infant in some way or another. Some of us are very private. Some of us are very open. The truth is, I still haven’t really found anyone comfortable enough to talk to me about all of this. I get the canned responses that everyone in my situation hates – stop trying, God will do it in his own time, at least you can get pregnant, maybe there was something wrong with this baby, maybe God is protecting you from something. It doesn’t make it any better. I know this isn’t a happy post, but I think it is important to remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are lots of us out there.
My prayer for myself & for all of you women out there is that somehow, God will enlighten the darkness that so gravely hangs around infant & pregnancy loss. It still hurts & I believe it always will. But maybe, just maybe, our little spark of a story can also help light someone else’s candle, so we can shed some light on this issue & help one another move forward. Sisters, if you need someone to talk, we are here. This post is in remembrance of my 3 babies in heaven hanging out with my mom & all of your little ones. Hugs to all of you.